Still remembering and processing....

I was out with S, the boys, and Q running a few errands
at the local Ta*get after church this past Sunday.
Q and I were giving each other kisses minding our
own business while waiting for the guys to finish
their shopping.

Out of nowhere a lady came up to me and told me I
was so very lucky.  I replied that yes, indeed we were
the lucky ones to have her in our lives.  She told me
that if she could go back, she'd adopt.  She wouldn't
give up her biological children, but she would adopt.

Her comment and our friends who are in China right
now bringing home their children have stirred up
feelings that have been just beneath the surface.
Things that I haven't forgotten about since being
home.....we'll NEVER forget what we saw...the faces
of those children who, because of their differences in
outward appearance, will never have an opportunity
to live a normal life or have a family to call their own.
These feelings are ones that we're still processing.



We've also been told that we're doing a great thing..
saving her...I just don't see it that way....

We've always felt that we were the ones being
blessed by bringing Q into our lives/family.  I
never truly thought of us as 'saving' her.  She
is the one who is helping to do the saving. 
People see her and other children that have
been adopted from far away countries and
even here in our country.  They see that these
children are normal, mostly healthy individuals
that just needed one thing to make their lives
whole....a family to call their own. Yes, they
need medical attention of some kind...maybe
even surgeries.  These people then see us, the
adoptive parents and think if they can do it, why
not us?  They ask questions, visit with Q or
one of the now growing number of children in
our community that have been adopted and see
that they're just like any other child....then a seed
is planted. 

This road has not been an easy one for either
parent or child.  Q has had a lot of loss.  More than
we will ever comprehend.  She lost her
parents and then her foster parents and then
the orphanage staff...all in a short 2 yr period
of time.  Don't get me wrong, she's done amazingly
well...better than I could do .....
She cried on Gotcha Day...but then it seemed she
never looked back.  I don't know if it was a coping
mechanism or if God covered her with His peace.
She cried at night while in China...not sure if it
was then she had time to process things...the loss..
the fear of what was going on...

We've been home almost 10 months. She still wakes
up at night...has to have the light on at bedtime.
Has bad dreams....is she dreaming of
the things they had to do in the orphanage at
night to keep them in their cribs? Sometimes when
she's having one of those bad dreams, she looks
at me or S as if she doesn't know who we are.  Is
she dreaming of her foster mom whom she bonded
and loved for at least a year? Does she fear that one
night she'll wake up and we won't come because we
too are gone?  We have to be careful still to make sure
that at least one of us is close by when she
wakes up.  We tried once to let the boys
babysit one morning as S & I had meetings. 
Never again.  She woke up and both moma and baba
were gone. She cried.  Big brothers did the best they
could to comfort her, but it just wasn't the same. Healing
is a long term process....a lifetime process....we're in
it for the long haul.  My heart aches for her...the pain
loss and fear.  Thoughts of what she endured
brought me to tears then and they still do today...
they probably will for the rest of my life.

'Traveling' with our friends who are in China now
bringing home their children has brought it all
back for me.  The joy in finally meeting our
sweet pea, the sadness of seeing where she
spent part of her life, where she was left to
be found.  The soaking in as much of
her country & culture as we could so that we could
share with her one day.  I also think of her parents
in China.  I wonder if her mom has peace...or if she
ever thinks of her daughter at all.  I also think of her
foster mom. I so want her to have peace about Q's new life.
I was going thru some pics the other day from
the camera we sent in a care package.   The last
picture of Q and her foster mom together is one
of sadness.  It must have been one of the last
days together.  I didn't notice it before (in May
when we had the roll developed) as I was still in
the fog of re-entry after travel.  I was more
concerned for Q to see the pics and be
distraught. Now I see.  I see the love of
this mom towards a child she knows she won't
be able to keep.  A child that clearly loves her
or has at least bonded.  S and I are truly thankful
to these foster parents.  They gave our daughter
a stable life for at least a year.  They gave her food,
shelter and love.  I think because of their love and
care, she was ready to accept us.  I don't pass
judgement on her mom.  I've done a lot of reading
since being home about life in our daughter's
homeland.  Life for a woman is not easy. 

I'm brought back to those children we met in the
orphanage that day.  My heart still aches for them.
Wondering if the older ones have aged out and
if so, are they living on the streets with no hope
for love or a family to call their own.  I pray that
the culture changes...that these children aren't
seen as outcasts but functional members of
society...if only given a chance.  Our daughter
is super smart (just sayin). In her country, she
could have been a doctor or engineer or
teacher....or whatever she wanted to be.  I have
no doubt that many of those children that  we met
that day could have  been those things too and more,
but will never have the chance....unless someone
opens their heart and lives to the least of these.


As my friends prepare for their last week in country,
I pray for them and their continued bonding with
their children.  That the children will continue to
feel more comfortable each day with their new mama
and baba.  That He will diminish the pain of their
past, so that they can learn to trust and love again.